I work out to eat Hagen Dazs ice cream and bubble milk tea… I don’t understand how people can NOT eat after they work out. I crave the most unhealthy (unhealthiest?) foods, like chips and ice cream and Trolli’s gummy worms.. yknow all that good stuff. Apples and yogurt just won’t cut it. I used to try this.. and i would last for like an hour before I succumb to the bag of potato chips nearby. So.. I decided to just go straight for the bag of potato chips, or in tonight’s case, the quart-size Haagen-Dazs. “Fail.” NO! not fail. Score!

But… getting work done this spring break? Complete F-A-I-L. I read 30 pages of my novel. and that’s it. that book was supposed to be completed by Sunday.. (actually it should’ve really been read by 4 weeks ago). Sigh. 8 Bio webcasts, mastering physics homework, catching up with all lecture notes and reading since the first physics midterm, Bio pre-lab and Bio “post” lab, and reading 4 short stories for my history class. I had a weird disturbing dream last night. I think it was due to the stress from thinking about how I’m going to get all this done. I usually dont have uncomfortable dreams…. except during finals time. lol. and yet I spent the day laying out on Memorial Glade with ssarahcho (fellow procrastinator<3), shopping at Buffalo Exchange (nothing good in the thrift store today), working out, watching We Got Married (those SNSD girls are everywhere), watching The Office, and yea.. that’s it. And now… alas, I start webcast 1 out of 8.

Gah… i’m screwed.

The other procrastinator and me:

yea…. i know. :O

I shall live a healthy lifestyle. WOrk out! Become more flexible (i am so out of shape and stiff that my ankles hurt after jogging a few blocks…) eat healthier. More fruits, more H2O in my system…

anyways.  i don’t feel like writing an intro or anything witty or interesting. I just wanted to jot down some stuff from my Interactive Theater reading (the only reading that is required from this class.. one novel. hah! No midterms, no papers.. just participation in discussion and acting. I scored the jackpot for my Arts & Literature Breadth requirement). So yea. I guess this is an intro…. anyway, here goes:

1. “My struggle to arrive at a gay identity occured in three phases. In the first phase, I sought to become straight. When I went to the chapel at Oxford, I prayed not to be what I was. I will call this a desire for conversion. In the second phase, I accepted my homosexuality, but concealed it from others. By the time I talked to Bill about his class, I was no longer trying to convert. I was, however, trying to hide my identity from my classmates. I will call this a desire for passing. Finally, long after I had generally come out of the closet, I still muted my orientation by not writing on gay topics or engaging in public displays of same-sex affection (The author’s a law professor at Yale, who also studied English, and btw, he’s gay.). This was not the same as passing, because my colleagues knew I was gay. Yet I did not know a word for this attempt to tone down my known gayness.

….Then I found my word…. After discussing pssing, Goffman observes that “persons who are ready to admit possession of a stigma…may nonetheless make a great effort to keep the stigma from looming large.” He calls this “covering”. … passing pertains to the visibility of a particular trait, while covering pertains to its obtrusiveness. He relates how FDR always stationed himself behind a table before his advisers came in for meetings. Roosevelt was not passing, since everyone knew he used a wheelchair. He was covering, downplaying his disability so people would focus on his more conventionally presidential qualities.”

2. [IDK how this is out of context. ]

“Finally, at millennium’s turn, the demand to pass is giving way to the demand to cover — gays are increasingly permitted to be gay and out so long as we do not “flaunt” our identities. The contemporary resistance to gay marriage can be understood as a covering demand: Fine, be gay, but don’t shove it in our faces.”

3. All civil rights groups feel the bite of the covering demand. African-Americans are told to “dress white” and to abandon “street talk; Asian-Americans (the author’s Japanese-American) are told to avoid seeming “fresh off the boat”; women are told to “play like men” at work and to make their child-care responsibilities invisible; Jews are told not to be “too Jewish”; Muslims, especially after 9/11, are told to drop their veils and their Arabic; the disabled are told to hide the paraphernalia they use to manage their disabilities. This is so despite the fact that American society has seemingly committed itself, after decades of struggle, to treat people in these groups as full equals.

I just realized, I love reading articles and books and snippets about the world being messed up. Partially because I can be pretty cynical and .. a “realist” myself. Also perhaps…. I guess I think that this world will never have a fair resolution to anything. (light bulb! Of course nothing will ever be “fair”! We are all screwed without God’s grace. We aren’t ones to complain about fairness. If we be blessed, we be blessed. And we should be dang thankful for it.) The kingdom of God is our only haven. Heaven haven.. yea~

4. This was progress: individuals no longer needed to be white, male, straight, Protestant, and able-bodied;  they needed only to act white, male, straight, Protestant, and able-bodied. …As the sociologist Milton Gordon identified decades ago, the demand for “Anglo-conformity” is white supremacy under a different guise.

[LAST BLURB only to round things out and make it a little less one-dimensional. but i still have a bajillion more pages to read. Yes, a bajillion. (or ~200 hehe).

5. A member of the audience, almost invariably a white man, almost invariably angry, denies that covering is a civil rights issue….I have to mute my depression, or my obesity, or my alcoholism, or my schizophrenia, or my shyness, or my working-class background, or my nameless anomie. I, too am one of the mass of men leading a life of quiet desperation…. Contemporary civil rights has erred infocusing solely on traditional civil rights groups, such as racial minorities, women, gays, religious minorities, and individuals with disabilities. …so-called mainstream– those straight white men… are understood as impediments, as people who prevent others from expressing themselves, rather than as individuals who are themselves struggling for self-definition. No wonder they often respond to civil rights advocates with hostility. They experience us as asking for an entitlement they themselves have been refused– an expression of their full humanity.

and with this ginormous collection of words. Good day and goodnight

One of my favorite praise songs from DR missions.

La Niña de tus Ojos

Me viste a mi cuando nadie me vio
me amaste a mi cuando nadie me amo

Y me diste nombre yo soy tu niña
La niña de tus ojos por que me amaste a mi. (x a lot)

Te amo mas que a mi vida, te amo mas que a mi vida
te amo mas que a mi vida, te amo mas que a mi vida, mas

Santo, Santo, Santo, Santo

You saw me when no one saw me.

You loved me when no one loved me.

And you called my name And I am Your child.

The child of Your eyes, because You loved me.

I love you more than life. I love you more than life.

I love you more than life, more.

_____________________________

HOME SWEET HOME. HOW I MISS YOU. Be good to mama until I return in June.

quote from my old xanga blog:

“You say those New Yorkers need to chill out, smile more, be more congenial? Well, they cahn’t help it! You gotta have a tough exterior to live through each day seeing millions of people without losing your sanity~You start filtering people and things out since there’s so much you encounter in one day. i miss nyc.”

Yea, that’s right. NY hardens you[r heart]. It made me somewhat coldhearted. but then again, I can’t solely put the blame on the city [that's so great they named it twice]. It was under other harsh conditions too– the things that made me the way I am.. so the next time i’m blunt or insensitive. My apologies. BUT too bad so sad. Cry me a river. ehe aheheahah >:) it is what it is.. jk. it shall be fixed! Give it some time.. it? me? my <3? oyyy.

ahhhh. so crazy how today’s sermon was so applicable to what’s been on my mind the past 2 days. hahahah

Praise God. You know us too well. I gotchu~ I hurr you.

I’ve had too much junk food this weekend. King pin donuts, brownies, cookies, more brownies, muffins…. All these bake sales. I feel so narstyyy.. so sluggish. I feel like my arteries are clogged up. I can’t breatheee.. gahh.. enough sugar for the week.

curiosity doesn’t always kill the cat. [insert witty quote here.]

summer 07. At Central Park.

I read her blog.. and I think ah, so simple and straight forward.

I read another person’s blog and think, wow so obscure and artsy and interesting.

How do i write? IDK. i’m very undecided on my style of writing rambling…I like both. (:

Tonight was a very distracted and lazy night. I think I try to slow the night down, to prevent tomorrow from coming just yet, by acting slowly, lazily, and unproductively. I stayed up cramming last night and somehow the night passed without me even being able to recall much from yesterday. So I need to make up for it. I think I want each day to go by slower… I don’t want to wake up one day and think, where did my youth go..

I’ve decided to try to take a chill pill. and cheel out. I’m always telling others to do so. Might as well take my own advice. I like people who are so down and comfortable to be around. (mmm i guess everyone does..?) Not monotonous, no. Not necessarily calm. I like people who act sky blue and not nasty orange.. (:

So, they say what you put in is what you get out. Likewise, the way you act towards someone will be returned in a more or less similar manner. Hostility invites hostility. Happiness evokes further happiness. I act nice, then she acts nice. I become more honest to myself and so does he. I think it makes sense. I think it’s practical. but idk why i still dont trust this mutuality. So selfish.. so self-focused. Receive receive receive, and no give? No!

don’t judge me. just cause i fit the stereotype of the ‘hardcore’ (of which I actually fall very short of) premed Berkeley student, doesn’t mean i’m crazy competitive or that all i think about is school and climbing my way to the top, while steppin’ all over people.

if your mom was single-handedly supporting your butt, as well as your brother’s, all the way on the opposite side of the country, you would be “a nerd” too. if one of the last things you told your dad, to assure him that you’re going to be fine in the future, was that you’d be a doctor, you would let it “take over” also.

what’s your motive?

What’s my motive? I really could care less about being at the “top” of anything. I just wanna survive. I wanna do my thing, help some people out who may live some really painful or uncomfortable lives.. and yea. live a nice, not too distracting comfortable life. that’d be it.

it’s funny how this is most felt among Christians. Me being one of the many self-righteous..